2 years and 4 months ago I found out that we were expecting our very own little miracle. I remember standing in the bathroom screaming, jumping up and down and crying tears of joy in disbelieve as I stared at the "Pregnant" on the test. I knew life would change, and I was excited about it. My heart had longed to be a mama, and there we were.
We were blessed with a very smooth pregnancy, but that didn't keep my mama heart from worrying. I was so in love with that little person inside me that the very thought of ANYTHING going wrong was devastating. I was holding on so tightly, in full blown mama bear mode. But JJ was an answer to prayer, the desire our our heart that the Lord had given us.
(JJ's name actually means "Jehovah has heard my prayers")
God had His hand on our baby boy, and the pregnancy was a pretty smooth ride.
On September 15, 2009...only one day before our anniversary...our beautiful 9lb 9oz baby boy was in our arms.
Safely.
Finally.
We could not be happier or more blessed by having JJ!
I so love being a mama!
Now he is nearly two, and we are talking of baby #2, I am feeling fearful. Knowing that things went so smoothly the first time, I worry that this time it may not. I dread having to deal with loss and heartache. I worry that family history may catch up to me and I wont be able to complete another pregnancy.
I worry.
I worry.
I'm sure I'm not the only one. I'd like to think there are those of you out there who have or are dealing with the same thing. I don't think its uncommon to worry about these things....
but I do think I am not fully relying on the Lord for strength in this.
A few weeks ago God and I had another pretty in depth conversation about this very thing. I had started praying for guidance as to when we should start trying for another baby. This conversation turned into a control thing though. It went a little something like this:
Me: Lord, could you please lay it on both Jon and I's heart when we are suppose to start trying for a baby again.
God: You know he's ready, its you who isn't.
Me: But I want it to be right, Lord. I don't want to do it just cause we want it...but because you want us to.
God: You wouldn't get pregnant if I didn't have a hand in it.
Me: Yeah, I know, but we could start trying. Lord help me to give up control of this to you. Help me to trust you in this huge thing and be able to let go, Lord, please.
God: I want you to
let go, but, you know...you were never really in control of this. You just thought you were.
Me: Oh, yeah. Your right....
God: Just trust me. I am in control and I promise you that the choices I have made for your life are the best ones for you. I already have this figured out you know...so sit back and rely on me...and stop trying to hold on so hard to something you can't even grasp.
On that day I wrote this post about the song the Lord had put on my heart after that prayer time,
and most specifically the line "Just to know thus saith the Lord".
I was humbled.
And convicted.
Its hard for me to let go sometimes....
okay, all the time.
But I know that its not worth my time or effort to hold on and agonize about things because God already has it under control.
He knows and designed where my life is going to go and whats going to happen along the way. I need to rest in the assurance that as long as I am trusting in the Lord, everything along the way can be used to Glorify my saviour. That doesn't mean things will always be easy, in fact its kind of a promise that it WONT be easy, but I am a lot better at trusting my savior when circumstances knock me to my knees. I do think the Lord gives us what we can handle, and if he chose some hardships for us the I rest in assurance that He will use it for His glory.
So there may be a baby #2 someday or there may not. Either way, I am wholeheartedly thankful to my Lord for giving us the blessing of our son. He is already our whole world, how could I ask for more!?! But if He has decided to bless us with another, well then that's wonderful too.
5 comments:
Being a mom is the very best.What a sweet post.
I love your photos. . .from pregnancy test to baby. I always thought we were only going to be parents of one sweet girl. Eight years later God suprised us with another.
We've had to come to similar conclusions before. Particularly with #2 and after #2. We realized that if God wants us to have a baby then nothing's going to stop it from happening but perhaps we should be standing in the way either, ya know? For me it's all about my hormones. But to give you hope, my first pregnancy was a breeze (delivery is another story but it had nothing to do with the natural way of things....eh, if you want the full story just FB me:) But after Logan, I still continue to have easy pregnancies and deliveries. (at least the deliveries go fine...I still have yet to have one go exactly my way...but who does?) So just because you've had one easy pregnancy doesn't mean you won't have another. :)
It's hard to let go and let God decide.
Ladies, you are all so sweet, thank you.
Just how well I do with letting go is a daily thing, so some days are a lot harder than others.
wow. i can only imagine how tough that can be. just fighting through all the fear and thoughts to what God really wants you to do--trust Him.
if you learn to trust Me --really trust Me-- with your whole being, then nothing can separate you from My peace.
love, God.
[jesus calling; sarah young] ....amazing book.
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